Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
