I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
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