I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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