true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
