he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
