I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Randomize
