i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
