I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize