Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Randomize
