Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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