I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
