Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Randomize
