i think my tv is drunk
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Randomize
