as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
