OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Randomize
