I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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