dude i'm inner monologue high
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize
