i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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