You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
