So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
