Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Randomize
