Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
