Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Randomize
