I wish my penis had an off switch
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
