Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
