i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
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