i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
