I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
