thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
my god I love twenty year old dicks
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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