how can u be prego again
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
