ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
