Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
