Tell her she can't have a vagina
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
