wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
