God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
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