just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
i wish my penis had a tongue
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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