I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
