I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
