I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
he was CRYING into my vagina
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Randomize
