I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
God, you're like boner-b-gone
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Randomize
