I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
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