I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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