Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Randomize
