doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
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