Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
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