I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
