now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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