Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Randomize
