cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
