Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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